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Wednesday, October 27th, 2004
8:35 pm - Private Entry
Poetry is the bane of my existence. However, Professor Flitwick is hovering over me, so I best finish.

I walked through the halls today.
The torches were flickering in the corners,
students were making their way to their next class.
I stood there and wondered
if time had shifted again--
wondered if I were home.

I blinked, and the faces were all different;
I was still lost.

Sometimes I feel like time is an ocean.
Everything is different, in its way--
but I remain the same,
and I can't see beyond the waves.

current mood: irritated
8:26 pm - Words.
Apparently, the headmaster didn't appreciate the fact I managed to blow up one of the suits of armor in the hall a few minutes ago. Of course, if Potter hadn't moved, the armor would still be in one piece. However, it's rather useless to cry over spilled milk, I think.

Professor Flitwick thought that I might have pent up agression, and suggested that I become... in touch with my emotions. Poetry as opposed to detention.

Hogwarts is Hell.

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7:00 pm - Private Entry
People I Want to Kill

1. Malfoy
2. Lupin
3. Professor Fendalen
4. Potter
5. Weasley 1
6. Weasley 2
7. the Mudblood

More to be added as I see fit

8. Boot

current mood: devious
Saturday, October 23rd, 2004
10:48 pm - Private Entry
I'm so tired.

I don't even know where to begin.

Madam Pomfrey has come up with a theory of some sort that she can fix me if there's this really complicated mix of medical magic, transfiguration, and potions involved. I can't quite figure it out, but it's supposed to nullify the effect of whatever I got into that made me like this.

They brought in a Potions Master from Norway--his name is Erik Fendalen, and he's taken the potions position at Hogwarts (my potions position, sometime in the future) as well as helping the headmaster and Professor McGonagall work on my...well, cure, for lack of a better world. I didn’t really mind him so much when we first met, but he’s begun just. Humiliating me at every opportunity. He knows where I’m from, he knows that there have been 20 years of information that I’m not really privy to at all. (I’m half convinced that the Headmaster is going to Obliviate me when they figure out how to fix me.) But Professor Fendalen keeps choosing me for the hardest, most advanced questions about potions that don’t even exist for me, and giving me extra work when I can’t answer them correctly. I’m doing my best, but I have my promise to Headmaster Dumbledore to keep a low profile and my marks are just getting worse and worse because I can’t look up the information that I need. Everything that I’m allowed to touch is useless, everything I know is archaic. I think it would all be unbearable if not for Blaise.

I met Lupin tonight. I actually didn’t know who he was at first—he didn’t look familiar at all. But he kept staring at me with this… strange look. I guess he recognized me right off—the misdirection glamour that Professor Flitwick cast on me must not work on those whom had already seen me as I am. I hear that he’s the DADA professor, but I don’t really remember seeing him when I was in the class. Of course, it could be that Lupin’s always been able to fade in the background, and for that matter, I didn’t recognize him in the first place. I’m kind of nervous, actually… now that Lupin’s here, just how long is it going to be before I see the others?

current mood: cynical
Wednesday, October 20th, 2004
6:15 am - Private Entry
I just recieved an owl...

Bella marries one of the Lestranges?? I didn't see that coming at all. Bellatrix Lestrange. I wonder how she knew I was me?

She wants to meet with me, and asked me not to tell the Headmaster. She said that Rolf and Wally really want to see me, too. It would be nice to see how they all turned out.

I wonder how I should reply...

current mood: curious
Sunday, October 17th, 2004
6:59 pm - Private Entry
So, I managed to survive another day here at Hogwarts. It really doesn’t seem like very much has changed, and then I see faces that are so similar to those that I knew, and I’m thrown into the realization that I really don’t belong here. I want my friends, I want my classes, my challenges.

Father would say this self-pity is a disgusting indulgence. I think, for once, I agree with him. There’s nothing I can do about this situation, so, on to other things.

I went to the library, against the Headmaster’s wishes. I was thrilled and nervous, and I wonder if that’s why so many people cause trouble, just to get that mix of emotions going through them. I don’t think I want to break the Headmasters rules too much, but once or twice won’t hurt, I don’t think. I met Blaise Zabini, the boy whose journal is somehow connected to mine (to Severus’) and he’s actually really interesting, and he likes potions as much as I do, which is a definite plus. (I wonder, now, why our journals are connected. A gift, perhaps? Or something else?) He seems like he knows the older me pretty well, and I keep fighting the urge to ask him questions, but even I know better than that. I’ll just have to keep my curiosity to myself.

I was formally introduced to Draco Malfoy today as well. When I saw him holding court at dinner yesterday, he reminded me so much of Lucius that I thought. Well, I don’t know exactly what I thought, but I was hoping I could be friends with him, to have something familiar to hold on to, but I can’t stand him. He’s a annoying, spoiled brat, and his only saving features are that he hates Mudbloods and that he looks like Lucius. He has no grasp on the nature of subtlety, and I just… don’t like him. I don’t really care for very many of the Slytherins—they all seem like children. I suppose I have Lucius and my own intelligence to thank for my maturity, because they’re all about to drive me mad.

Except for Blaise. I think he’s as lonely as I am. I hope we can be friends, really. I don’t care if Draco outcasts me—there’s no one here worth my attention anyway.

I had dinner with the Headmaster tonight. He asked me how I was doing, if I’d gotten settled in sufficiently, and gave me books for my classes, and reminded me that it was in my best interests to remain unobtrusive. I felt obligated to tell him about my altercation with Draco after Blaise and I fell. I got the feeling that he was a little disappointed in me for fighting already, but I couldn’t help it. I’ll do my best not to disappoint him again.

current mood: calm
Saturday, October 16th, 2004
6:49 pm
How interesting—apparently I still keep a journal. I thought that I would never keep another journal after that bastard Black got his filthy hands on my old one. But in a way, it’s relieving, knowing that as much as things change, they’re the same too.

Apparently, it's 1996. God. My quill is shaking, I wish it would stop. Headmaster Dumbledore looks so old.

He said I would attend classes as normal, to continue my education as best as I can.

My name is Ezekiel Grey.

I'm scared.

The headmaster let me go into "my" quarters to get quills and ink and a spare potions textbook, a cauldron, and ingredients, and I found this while I was there. The writing looks so simliar to mine, it's creepy.

I wonder where Bella and Rolf and Wally and Evan are. What they’re doing, how they’re doing. I don't even know why I'm here. Everything's changed so much.

I hope I can go home soon.

current mood: indescribable

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12:28 am - Private Entry
My Mark is burning. I've sent Albus an owl to explain. I must go.

I wonder what the Dark Lord wants with me?</font>

current mood: concerned
Friday, October 15th, 2004
9:35 pm - Private Entry
It is a relief, at times, to retreat back into the solitude of my rooms. More often than not, I wish I didn’t have to leave them. As a wise Hogwarts professor once told me:

This job would be brilliant if it weren’t for the bloody children.

I think I agree with his assessment.

Potter came down to my office on Monday night for Occulmency, and as usual it was a disaster. He isn’t trying—he simply doesn’t care. However, I attempted to discover what he does on his nocturnal wanderings, and he most vehemently kept me out of those particular memories. It’s disconcerting, and worrisome. Perhaps I should contact Lupin again—he needs to stop pining over a dead man and realize where his priorities should lay.

There are other things that need my attention, however, such as what to do with Draco. He cannot simply go around and hex students, especially when there’s a danger of another Slytherin being hit. It is a House courtesy I’ve attempted to instill, as we already have three Houses against us. Especially when toying with the Creptio variant of an Amorous hex. Will that boy ever learn subtlety?

Or perhaps, it bothers me most because it was Blaise.

And that brings me to the issue I’ve been attempting to avoid for the last couple of hours.

Blaise kissed me. And with the intention of counteracting the curse, I kissed him back. I did not expect him to want more. I did not expect to want more.

I bruised him, I think. And I am ashamed that I lost control, that I am so starved for attention, for a touch, that I all but forced myself on a boy who had no control over his actions, for the most part. How amusing my morals have become. I can kill and torture without blinking an eye, but I feel as though I am damned for touching a student.

Congratulations, Severus. You might be mad yet.

I went to Albus after Blaise left, explained what happened, and asked the headmaster to think up a suitable punishment for Draco, as I would turn in my resignation the following morning.

He refused my resignation, of course. I’ve turned in one regularly each year, and he has yet to accept it.

However, as it stands, Draco has lost Slytherin 50 points, and has a week’s detention. My improper conduct has been noted and appended to my staff file, and that is that.

Now only one question remains to be settled, and I believe I shall ponder that after I have sufficiently doused myself with spirits.

What am I going to do with Blaise?

current mood: depressed
Tuesday, October 12th, 2004
1:22 pm

The headmaster has agreed to our trial apprenticeship. However, note that I will not be available on Monday nights, and that I will occasionally have to cancel our sessions for other necessities.

~Professor Snape

current mood: good

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Monday, October 11th, 2004
12:31 pm - Private Entry
The headmaster decided, if I feel I can handle my responsibilities, that I may take Mr. Zabini as an apprentice.

If I begin teaching Potter Occulmency again.

Bugger all.

current mood: infuriated
Wednesday, October 6th, 2004
12:21 pm - Private Entry
I do believe I've gotten more reproachful stares from the Hogwarts staff this year than I have in the last two combined. It's very fascinating, and entirely unwelcome. The loyalty that the Potter boy inspires is nothing short of unfathomable.

I spoke to Lupin about Potter's recent insomnia, and he agreed to speak with him.(Note to self: Added chaparral and suffered a great joy in watching Lupin grimace. He appears to be suffering no ill effects from the new ingredient, so I will keep an eye on him through the next full moon before considering another addition.)

As a result, Potter stopped walking the halls for several days--but to my disgust, he has begun once again. Last night, I asked what he was searching for.

He didn't answer.

I didn't bother asking again.

current mood: annoyed
Saturday, October 2nd, 2004
4:47 pm
Happy birthday, Blaise.

May all of your wishes be fulfilled except for one, so that you always have something to strive for.

~Professor Snape

current mood: good

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Sunday, September 26th, 2004
12:42 am
There is something enjoyable in walking the halls during my nightly patrol, although students after curfew would think differently. It allows me to escape my office, which has begun to remind me of King's Cross Station during the morning rush. It's been Albus, or Minerva, or Lupin, or Pomona-- and I have begun to forget the practical application of the word 'privacy'.

I shall have the dubious company of Lupin again tomorrow night for his second dose of Wolvesbane. My heart is aflutter with anticipation.

Potter was wandering the halls tonight, and while under normal circumstances that would hardly be an event of any note--he was alone. He looks ill. I believe I'll alert Lupin to the situation.

Potter is not my responsibility.

current mood: cynical

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Friday, September 24th, 2004
5:17 pm
There are moments when I despise Hogwarts.

current mood: annoyed

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Friday, September 17th, 2004
10:11 pm - Private Entry
Today, the headmaster requested my presence for afternoon tea. As a request from Dumbledore is but a veiled order, I had no other option than to obey. He asked how I liked the students this year and of my expectations of them. My silence was answer enough, as that is how I've always answered his questions since the first day he put them to me. I don't know which staff members swallow his Just and Benevolent Headmaster performance, but I am not one of them. And yet we tiptoe around each other, he pretending that he cares, I pretending as though I do not notice. He is disappointed in my stubborness considering an obligation forced on me last year, and I find that his displeasure stings less than it once did.

Lupin came to me tonight under the pretense of discussing possible adjustments to the Wolvesbane potion, but to little surprise it devolved into a plea to continue Potter's Occulmency training. (Note to self: Add a teaspoon of chopped chaparral to make Lupin's Wolvesbane especially nasty this month.) I refused, of course--I have precious little time of my own, and the boy is unwilling to learn from me, despite the immense importance of the skill. I'm waiting for Nymphadora or Shacklebolt, perhaps, to continue with these earnest pleas. They have a tendency to move in packs.

Draco recieved his weekly owl from Narcissa today, and I must remember to take time out of my schedule to owl her myself. I've been concerned about her since Lucius went to Azkaban, and would hope she's managed better than Draco has himself.

Overall, it has been a rather calm week, and that in itself concerns me. I have removed points from Gryffindor, as per usual, and survived the shock of discovering Harry Potter had passed his Potions O.W.L. with sufficient ease. It seems as though I am an efficient professor after all, despite what Minerva says about my teaching methods.

All the same, I find myself hesitating at this calm. The Dark Lord has yet to make a summoning, and I am... unsure of my welcome should I choose to attend.

Hemlock is being quite insistent in her affection. Suffice to say, I have other matters to attend.

current mood: contemplative
Thursday, September 9th, 2004
8:49 pm - Private Entry
So it begins again.

The long, cursed summer has finally ended, and I find myself surrounded by those too young to know why they should fear, and those who know too well. Albus and I have been working with the Ministry and I find despair to be a constant companion. The Ministry is made of fools, and the Order... the Order appears to be haunted by the ghosts of its losses. Both are useless.

And the Dark Lord grows ever stronger.

Slytherin House is raveling apart at its seams, though I am doing what I can to hold the threads together. The seeds of free will that I did my best to sow seem now to reap only hostility and dissension. Slytherin is dying in the cup of my palms.

My goal this year is to save as many of them as I can, although I no longer know how fruitful that endeavor will be.

Albus, as usual, is blind to our plight. As long as his precious Gryffindor is safe, the rest of us I suppose, can go to Hell.

It is ironic, I think, that Hell has come for us.

I’m having tea with Blaise tomorrow, and am anxious to hear his observations on the current situation.

It would be pleasant to have an ally.

current mood: contemplative
Sunday, September 1st, 1996
2:18 pm
Price of Faith TimelineCollapse )

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